The worst part of psychosis is the shame
It's hard to describe the intensity of shame that you can feel during and after psychosis.
There is something surreal about the thoughts and actions you carry out during psychosis. Words you know you spoke but don't believe. Words you believed at the time were the truth because of the psychosis.
Psychosis: Possible symptoms include delusions, hallucinations, talking incoherently and agitation. The person with the condition usually isn't aware of his or her behaviour.
What basic definitions won't tell you is the shame associated with the condition. Shame is felt during the psychosis as others obviously notice your ideas or beliefs are not exactly normal. Shame after the psychosis because of the beliefs you held and the things you did during a psychosis.
People start to believe that you are the mental illness you suffer because they witness symptoms of that illness. The individual behind those symptoms ceases to exist. You become a stereotype of a mentally ill person and people avoid you, and you avoid people because you don’t want to bother anyone.
Or, during a psychosis you might have insulted people but can't quite remember it clearly (as I have) so you just feel shame for existing. People cut off contact with you because of mental health episodes like that. The loss of friends then feeds into the psychosis. You make up other reasons why nobody ever wants to hang out with you.
I still feel shame for mental health emergencies I have had over 10 years ago. It never goes away. I think it is because a psychosis feels so real that you become immersed in it and all the associated feelings are magnified. That was part of the reasons I used some of my psychosis for my creative projects. It helped me package up that shame into something different and creative so I can say “I made that”.
That’s real. And if you’ve ever had your reality ripped away from you by psychosis then you too would cherish everything that’s real. I didn't want to make this some kind of apology but after psychosis I just feel like apologising to everyone. The reality is that I have been unwell mentally before. It wasn't my fault, and my particular mental health journey can be confronting so I understand I have made people uncomfortable.
The fact is though, that wasn't me. It was the psychosis. So I have nothing to feel ashamed of. I should be proud of living through and living with psychosis. I am most proud to be able to write about it now and not have it affect my mental health as it has in the past.
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Psychosis is a tough one. I do everything to balance it out with esotericism and not pushing myself away from loved ones. The one thing that inflames me is lack of sleep, and the nasty voices in my head. I have to rationalise those voices in my head somehow, otherwise I go off the deep end and let fear and anger take over me.